Quotations and Literature Forum

I noticed that there wasn't a lot of depth with funny quotes, so I took the time to submit quotes from Robin Williams, Emo Phillips, Jarod Kintz, Rodney Dangerfield, and Mitch Hedberg. This is a great site, I just felt that it needed a little more humor in it

Can't forget about Dave Barry. I just suibmitted about eight of his quotes. He's hilarious!

Does Tom Green not have any funny quotes? I tried looking other places too, but there doesn't seem to be any. How can a guy that funny not have any funny quotes attributed to him?

No Andy Dick either. He's got to have said something outragously funny. And how come those Dave Barry quotes and other quotes I submitted aren't showing up yet? Dave's practically got an encyclopedia of witty quips, we need to get more on here.

Ok so I'm submitting some funy quotes directly to this post, since they didn't seem to be added to your database.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.--Mitch Hedberg

I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.--Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.--Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.--Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others.--Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.--Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.
-Jarod Kintz

I consider conversations with people to be mind exorcizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
-Jarod Kintz

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.
-Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend loves Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country.
-Jarod Kintz

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
-Jarod Kintz

If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
-Jarod Kintz

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.--Dave Barry

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.--Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.--Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.--Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.--Dave Barry

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."--Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"--Emo Phillips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...--Emo Phillips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.--Emo Phillips

There is definitely a lack of funny quotes by Andy Dick, but i found this one. "I'm good at what I do. I was asked to do Andy Kaufman, but I said no. I'm not good at impersonating. I'm not an impersonator. Jim Carrey was passionate about it, and he brought the right clothes, and the bongoes to the audition, so how can you compete with that?" I had no idea he auditioned for Man on the Moon.

A lot has been said about politicians; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
--Eric Idle

As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics. I'm coming your way in search of ancient dollars.
--Eric Idle

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?
--Eric Idle

LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY LMAO!

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Nice. Cool! Well done for submitting those nice quotes guys.
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Honda TLR200 history

lol yes, Robin Williams is a genius!

Sweet stuff going on here. Hope you all don't mind some random quotes from me. I'll start sending a bunch as soon as I find my list. They'd come in sooner if I hadn't started today.
1.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
2.Constipated people don't give a s***
3.You'd probably drive a lot better with that cell phone rammed up your a**.
Good Start?????

hey ppl! these are surely very funny lines! ppl who said them indeed have a good sense on humour . But i'd rather call them 'witty' statements rather than quotes. Its just an opinion!

Anyways it was fun reading them Do keep posting more.

Those are really very funny quotes indeed. Where do you get those quotes from anyway? The ones by Jarod are really funny not to mention other funny quotes by the famous bunch. How come they don’t have these funny ones when they possibly have almost all the ones from all people is a real mystery.

Those are really very funny quotes indeed. I read & appreciated.

Well done for submitting those nice quotes guys.